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Saturday, 25 September 2010

A journey I just don't have a map for

Exams must be reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally a handful... because no matter what time of your life it is.. and no matter how much more "learned" and "matured" you feel otherwise in your attitude toward examinations... exams are bound to cloud ur life with monotony.... explains why bugger-longings return always when I have nothing else to do except prepare for and give exams... that despite the momentous stage my life is going through, and all the consequent buzz in it owing to such stage.. when I am coercively kept away from that buzz of excitement and motivation, by the so-called "exam-timetable" I begin again to miss certain things in life...

of certain things..

I always have been a dreamer.. I do not doubt my idealistic world, not even slightly.. and why should I? Life in general has not given me a reason to... whatever I have cherished passionately in my dreams.. I have always moved toward making reality out of it.. sure I haven't reached any pinnacle.. but I do see myself headed in the direction of my dreams... in every which way... every which way except one... Looouuuvveee (okay.. secretly, I don't like addressing the emotion in such a ridiculed manner... but somethings just don't seem to go down in a better way with people, EVER!)

Where we talk of love.. the only reality that I have so far been able to extract out of those dreams.... is..... the reality of hope! Hope is all there is to it! Because none of the things I wanted for myself by now.... none of anything close.. has presented itself! Do we look for it? How do we look?!? looking does not figure in my dreams or my definitions, so far as this hallowed emotion is concerned! And I don't ever see myself compromising enough to get down to "looking for love"! No that was not part of the original plan... that was not what "WE"(me and my superego - superego is a freudian term, and there's more to it than meets the eye;) ) agreed upon .. so its not happening, 'cause in my world.... superego is big, superego is respected!
Love is supposed to (rather WAS supposed to, a LONG time back!) hit! It is supposed to take you by surprise and that's how you enjoy it! In my life so far... some experiences and indulgences.. have hit.... and I wouldn't go so far as to call them disasters ... because nothing I even mistook for love will I label as disaster, ever.... but then they do disconcert me by the feeling of having been picked up to go all that way only to be dropped back to square one...

When you keep hitting square one.. the lost feeling does start to set in... You do start to feel apprehensive about the grand plan...
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